Words by: Chris Yoon, Year 13
TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains a discussion about sensitive topics: chronic sadness. Please do not proceed if you are uncomfortable with the topics featured.
The hardest thing to do is to love yourself. At night, you try to sleep but your embarrassing memories and regrets haunt you. You look at yourself in the mirror and wonder why you do not look like Tom Hiddleston or Jhene Aiko. You run into problems: you are stuck in Manila traffic, you have failed your Maths test, and worst of all, you run out of lives in Trivia Crack. You just hate yourself - I did the same.
When I was a kid, I was very conservative. Thanks to my typical Asian parents, I did not know how to express myself or even ask for something that I wanted; it was difficult for me to ask my parents to buy a chocolate bar for me as I was too introverted. To make things much worse, I was faced with numerous obstacles during my childhood; I had a near-death experience and family issues. Sadly I was not even able to cry or have someone to depend on. I essentially could not do anything for myself and it made me sick.
At the age of ten, I came across a song called Forget about Dre by Dr. Dre (obviously) and ever since then I became attached to Hip-Hop. At that time, most of the rap songs I listened to were violent, loud and negative. I continuously let my frustration burn inside my heart by misusing the influence of music; more I did, more detached and pessimistic I got. I put my earphones on to set the world behind me, but I still hated everything: myself, the people, the world and even God. Eventually, my pent-up bitterness resulted in violence and depressing thoughts.
Last year, things hit rock bottom. (I would rather not bore you with details but, yeah, it was bad.) I hated myself when others laughed at me or ignored me and I constantly had panic attacks. Everyday felt like a nightmare and it felt like I was drowning in a deep sea. I thought everything was over; I gave up on myself.
However, even when I struggled and fell into a slump, my friends were the ones to pull me out. They were the ones I could depend upon and relate to. They helped me acknowledge myself in me. It helped me find what I love and what I was capable of. I was able to turn the dying toxic ember in my heart into a fuel for my ambition and passion.
I began meditating and having a conversation with myself. It does seem crazy, but I always felt better. I reminisced about the bad memories and regrets I had and resolved them with myself. I took more care of myself; I exercised more and managed my time more efficiently finding the balance in to relieve stress. I made sure that my inner self does not feel neglected and that we can agree in terms. My past is my sin and my present is the consequence but I was able to forgive myself and learn to move onto my future.
I also looked for positive and uplifting songs. They weren’t hard to find; they had been playing around me all along and I just had not realized it. Kanye West (Yeezus!) and The Roots makes me appreciate the artistic aspect of Hip-Hop. Chano tells me to enjoy and love, while Tyler shows me how to make the best out of your flaws. Nujabes and J-Dilla gives a perfect start to my mornings and Cole and Cudi help me calm at night. And Joey and Kendrick alway ignited the fire inside me. My life revolves (and will always revolve) around Hip-Hop. It acts as a friend and a mentor to me.
Since then I slowly learned how to love what I had in life, and to love myself. Second only to making Mr. Bradshaw satisfied with my IA, loving is the hardest thing for me to do, because I have never felt love and learned how to love. I first took baby-steps by smiling and saying “Thank you” and “Sorry” more often. It made me appreciate small things such as a cone of ice cream or a cold shower after boxing. Eventually, constant appreciation built true happiness in me, and that made me love myself.
I am still ill and sad. I still feel lonely and uneasy. I still think about my past and freak out. I still suffer and lose.
But I love myself.
And I hope you do too.
As seen in Winston's newest issue: Vol. 2 - Together and accompanied by Rod's Response.
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